The King Died on the Throne

We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.  ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.  ~Will Durant

When my son was in kindergarten, he rode the bus and learned A LOT,  including that Elvis Presley died on the toilet.  He is now in the third grade and doesn’t ride the bus anymore, but you can’t mention the King without him shouting out “Elvis died on the toilet!”  And every time this happens I remind him that Elvis was a talented singer, a movie star, a very handsome man and he served our country.  But none of that seems nearly as interesting to him as kicking the bucket on the can.

I usually laugh and think to myself that this is just how children are, but I’m starting to believe that our society encourages us to find more interest in the “bad” or embarrassing things about someone than the good and noble things they’ve done.  A friend of mine went to a neighborhood Christmas party and when she told this guy where she lived, he proceeded to tell her stories about each person on her street that he had dirt on.  She tried to make a few positive comments about the ones she knew a little about, but they were quickly negated by the group.  I’ve decided that our culture cultivates this Tiger Woods/Elvis Presley Syndrome.  Regardless of how many admirable qualities a person has, we would rather advertise their weaknesses and downfalls.

I use to read the tabloid magazines and justified it by saying it was just my guilty pleasure and my bit of mindless time in my day.  But quite honestly, I think I felt better about myself when I saw that Jennifer Love-Hewitt’s butt was getting bigger or that even the beautiful, rich and famous people were having problems in their marriages, too.

Going through a divorce in small town has made me feel like I’m in one of those tabloids sometimes and everyone thinks they know an unflattering story about me.  People who know not much more than my face and my name will tell me their opinion of my decision.  This has opened my eyes to the fact that I have been creating opinions about people based on one thing I’ve heard, and not taking into consideration at all the things they’ve been through or the courage they’ve had to muster to keep their chin up.

So I’ve decided that no matter how hard it is, I’m going to find something good in each and every person I know and meet.  And when I hear a story about them that seems less than outstanding, I’m going to come down off my throne and say something good about them and leave it alone.  I don’t want to feel better about myself by putting others down.  I want to feel better about the world I live in.  In my quest to live this little life I’ve been looking for, I have to let everyone else have a little life, too.  I want to make my little world a place where I applaud people’s strengths and appreciate their gifts and let them deal with their problems privately and respectfully.

Arbitrary Beacons

I realized something today while having lunch with a friend:   People’s minds do not work the same.  I guess I knew that, but sometimes a conversation with someone really brings it to the light.  And it can make you notice a way your own mind works that might not always be the best way to approach things in life.

I have always believed that if something came into my life that it was suppose to be there for some meaningful experience that God surely wants me to have.  I’m not saying that all of these experiences should be earth-shattering, but each one is taking me on the path for the knowledge and wisdom that I need to achieve while here on Earth.  This is why I usually have a hard time saying no to opportunities for new experiences.  If I turn it down, I might be stunting my soul’s growth in some way.  This has served me well in some cases, but there may have been times when I spread myself way too thin and did some things I didn’t really want to do because I thought the universe wanted me to do it for some cosmic reason.

My friend, on the other hand, believes that most things in life are random.  She admits that some things are definitely meant to be and some encounters are part of a plan, but most of the time she goes around thinking that we are here and things are happening and there’s no need to grasp any deeper meaning for it.

So now I’m perplexed.  I kind of like my way of thinking that me and the universe are in this thing together.  But I also kind of like the idea that I don’t have to look for deeper meanings in things all around me.  I love the idea of serendipity.  I have little fantasies about being somewhere and changing someone’s life for the better and not ever even knowing I did anything.  But it’s also nice to think that if I’m having a really crappy day and do something really stupid, that it’s just one day and no damage was done.

Life is mysterious and life can be simple.   All people are good and all people are bad.  Experiences open us up and experiences close us down.  Some days are meant to teach and some days are meant to just live.  I’m right and she’s right.  So maybe I can cut myself a little slack when I can’t figure out the lesson something should be teaching me, but also be grateful when the lesson is clear.  I’m going to try to soak up the joy in life more just for joy’s sake.

Everything Starts With a Thought

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I can vividly remember the first time I ever practiced half lotus into crane balance.  I had thought about it so many times and as much as I could imagine myself doing it, there was a little fear in me that kept me from trying.  On this particular day, my teacher said “Everything starts with a thought, so maybe just think about it today and eventually it will happen.”  I had thought about it so many times that I decided today must be my day.  So I bent over ever so slowly and when my fingers hit the floor I felt this burst of happiness like I can’t explain.  That day I felt like I had conquered a fear and I was so proud of myself.  And when I placed my knee on the back of my arm and wrapped my foot around the other and lifted my foot off the floor into my arm balance, I was over the moon.

Suddenly, I could look at the whole world in a more hopeful light.  If I could bring something new into my life by just thinking about it, imagine the possibilities.  I started letting my thoughts take me to lots of new frontiers.  I thought that I could be as happy as I want to be.  I could be in control of my life.  I could have the type of life, home, family and career that I had always wanted.  But like everything else, I suppose, there might be a price to pay.

Figuring out that my life had brought me to a place where I felt muffled and way more uptight than I should have been was a blessing.  I started thinking about the person, the mother and the friend I wanted to be.  Since I knew now how powerful my thoughts could be, I was much more selective about which ones I let linger around for a while.  If I had a thought that I didn’t feel good about, I quickly pushed it away.

The only negative to this was that to achieve all these wonderful thoughts, I would have to make some big changes.  These changes would force me to leave behind some old ways, and in turn, leave behind some important players in my life.

But I know now how mighty my thoughts are and how able I am.  But like the old saying goes “be careful what you wish for” I’m more wise to the understanding that there must be a sacrifice for anything worth achieving.  When I meditate or pray, I ask that God and the universe will bring me my heart’s desires, but I’m careful to express that I only want these things if others won’t be hurt in my wake.

 

 

All You Need Is Love

To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. – C.S. Lewis

Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you.  When you dare to reveal yourself fully.  When you dare to be vulnerable. – Dr. Joyce Brothers

Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it. – Swedish Proverb

To love is to risk not being loved in return.  To hope is to risk pain.  To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. – anonymous

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. – Sam Keen

I don’t wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. – Javan

As my kids grow up, I’m constantly changing my mind about what my most important lessons for them must be.  It has been sharing.  It has been responsibility.  It has been compassion.  And I still believe that those things are important things for them to learn.  But I don’t think these are the most difficult to teach and I don’t think these are the lessons that will help them live the fullest lives.  I’m starting to realize that to live this life fully and to leave here with no regrets, we must all learn to love.  It sounds simple, but as my awareness increases and my experiences add up, I am beginning to think that giving all of your love away is the most difficult thing in the whole world.

I’ve always wondered why children can still love their parents, regardless of how their parents treat them.  It’s because children start out their life not afraid to love.  They have no reason to hold back with their love because love hasn’t burned them yet.  They give love to their parents because they feel it.  Not necessarily because the parents deserve it or even make it easy.  Children, in their innocence, express their feelings without worrying about how it makes them look or what the consequences might be.  But as we grow, we get hurt.  We love and we lose it.  We express it and get rejected.  We feel pain and over time we figure out that the pain came because love preceded it.

If life is going to be difficult whether I let myself feel every emotion or whether I try to protect myself and build walls all around my heart, why not just let myself enjoy love to the fullest?  And when I look back on the greatest moments of my life, they will be the ones when I loved someone and let them know it.  If I get the pleasure of feeling their love back, that will be icing on the cake.  But if they don’t reciprocate, it will not diminish the joy I received when giving the greatest gift I have.

You Can Put the Blame On Me

A man may fall many times but he won’t be a failure until he says someone pushed him. – Elmer G. Letterman

All blame is a waste of time.  No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.  The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration.  You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy. -  Wayne Dyer

When you blame others, you give up your power to change. – Dr. Robert Anthony

I feel lighter this week.  I feel free.  I feel human.

In yoga, I can’t blame anyone except myself and this body I’m in if my practice is stale.  There’s no one to point a finger at except me.  My body had been feeling stiff and unfamiliar lately, but as I’ve put more energy into my yoga and brought my attention back to what it means to me and why I do it, I’m opening up and feeling like my old self again.  This is a tap on the shoulder to me saying that if I take responsibility, things will get better.

I’ve talked to several people lately who are unhappy with the circumstances of their lives.  Most of these people feel powerless and miserable because of things that have happened in their past and things that are happening now as a result.  I absolutely see myself in their faces.  I hear all the excuses and reasons why they believe things will never change, and I know I do the same thing.  I have been angry with some big players in my life story, and even God at times, but I am now ready to accept that this is my life and take the blame.

This phase I’m in has taught me that to step away from your old life and your old self is a great learning tool.  When I was in the midst of chaos and pain, I wanted it to be someone else’s fault and I wanted to believe that if they would just take responsibility, my life would get better.  But the one that should be taking the responsibility is me.  I don’t want to give away power over my life.  There are a lot of things I can’t control, but there are a lot of things I can.

I know someone who truly, deeply believes that his happiness completely depends on how much love he receives from his significant other.  He puts all of his attention on trying to figure out how to get her to love him more so that his life can be complete.  All this does is push her away.  It’s a carousel they can’t get off.  I’m so thankful that I am starting to see how much better life is when you realize that we are not perfect, and neither is anyone else who has or does love us.

Maybe its our expectations of love.  That whole thing about love is patient, love is kind… Love might be all those things, but the people who love us are not.  Taking a step back has helped me see that I have loved completely, but I have done lots of things for the wrong reasons.  I have taken advantage of people who love me to help me get out of a place I didn’t want to be in.  I do blame myself for that and it feels strangely good.  I know that I’ve grown now and that all the confusion of my past is lining up to make more sense.

Taking responsibility is the first step in forgiveness.  Forgiveness is the door to happiness.  Happiness is the light that shines as kindness.  Kindness begets kindness and we would all benefit from that.

Scuttlebutt

There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it hardly becomes any of us to talk about the rest of us. – Edward Wallis Hoch

Be not disturbed at being misunderstood;  be disturbed rather at not being understanding. – Chinese Proverb

You don’t have to go looking for love when it’s where you come from. – Werner Erhard

I learned the word scuttlebutt this week.  In case you don’t know, it’s Navy slang for gossip.  My friend that taught me this word says she is not scuttlebutting anymore…and I’m trying to be right in there with her.  But I have to confess that it is pretty hard.  I try not to go around spreading rumors, for sure, but I definitely share the latest news with my very best friends.  But I know I shouldn’t…

I have had many times in my life that I felt I misrepresented myself and it was usually because something behind the scenes was going on.  I think when most people do something gossip-worthy, there is probably something the gossiper doesn’t understand that got them where they got.  It definitely makes people feel better about themselves when they hear of someone doing something they themselves would never do.  But as life goes on, I’m beginning to believe that I should never speak the words “I would never do that!”  Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t believe there are many people who do things to intentionally hurt themselves or anyone else.  I think that most people are searching for something in their own lives and sometimes get so desperate for it that they do things they wouldn’t otherwise do.  The need to be loved is probably the biggest reason we all make our mistakes.

I’ve searched for love behind lots of different doors.  There were some doors that opened to goodness and some that I wish I would’ve slammed shut before the rumors got started.  But lessons were learned, so I just moved on.  I’m definitely still on my search, but I do know that if I can love myself and the creator of this universe the most, I won’t make nearly as many mistakes.  In turn, my tolerance of others and their mishaps or unpopular actions will increase and I might not even feel the need to scuttle my butt over to tell anyone the news.

Open Up

When one door closes, another opens.  But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don’t see the one which has opened for us. – Alexander Graham Bell

Become a possibilitarian.  No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilites – always see them, for they are always there. – Norman Vincent Peale

Where there is an open mind, there will always be a frontier. – Charles F. Kettering

My friends who aren’t into yoga yet always think it’s funny when they hear me say something about trying to be more open in my poses.  Traditionally we think of the word “open” as representing a place of nothing…an empty space…a black hole, perhaps.  And I suppose that is what we’re referring to in yoga, too.  You create more open space around you when you become more flexible and create deeper expressions of the postures.

But, to me, yoga is always a metaphor to something about my life.  And being open in poses helps me to be more open in my mind.  Wayne Dyer says that being open to anything is the first secret to success and inner peace.  I started trying to live my life this way a few years ago and it has changed me in so many ways.  I never understood how many unspoken rules I had running around in my head about what was acceptable for my life.  I had so many expectations of myself that it made it difficult to really figure out who was inside of me.  I also had so many expectations of others that it made it difficult to be the best friend and the best citizen of the world that I could be.

Being open has helped me to understand all different kinds of people better, which saves me a lot of energy and thought wondering why people do what they do.  I also think it helps me love deeper because I don’t have a lot expectations of people.  If they disappoint me, I’m open to the fact that maybe they don’t want my love and I can just move on.

There are lots things I never thought I would do that I’ve either now done, or would totally do someday.  This is freedom to me. It’s exciting to  know that life really is out there for me to soak up and experience in any number of ways.  I’m glad my life isn’t predictable and my future isn’t mapped out for me.  I love being open in my body, my mind and my heart.

Take a Hit

Ah, when to the heart of man was it ever less than a treason to go with the drift of things to yield with a grace to reason and bow and accept at the end of a love or a season. – Robert Frost

For after all, the best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain. – Henry Wadworth Longfellow

The main thing I remember from my one session of T’ai Chi classes was that if you are getting ready to be hit, don’t tense up and try to brace yourself, but loosen up and take it while you plan your next move.  Words I can live by!

Things definitely hurt the most when we try, in vain, to prevent them.  There’s a  lot we can control, but, like they say in the 12 steps,  I need to learn to accept the things I can’t.

I spent a lot of years trying to resist things that were inevitable.  I was super tense and uptight about it and thought that if I kept resisting, I could make it all better.  In the meantime, things got worse and now I have about a thousand more things to forgive, understand and work through than I would have if I had just taken the hit and planned my next move.

As I’m getting older, I’m learning not to dread things like I use to.  I usually wish I could live my life in fast forward through the hard times.  But really, each day holds something good for me.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a day that there was not one great moment.  I’ve had days with some pretty crappy moments, but they didn’t last any longer than the good ones.

Yoga has taught me to accept my body with its strengths and limitations.  Now life is trying to teach me that I can’t look back and regret all of my mistakes and misjudgements.  I have to accept what I’ve done and what has happened and love it just the same.

Bag of Hammers

We’re all lonely for something we don’t know we’re lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we’ve never even met? – David Foster Wallace

The body is a house of many windows: there we all sit, showing ourselves and crying on the passers-by to come and love us. – Robert Louis Stevenson

One may have a blazing hearth in one’s soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. – Vincent van Gogh

I think there are many versions, but here’s how I remember this story.  Each of our problems, worries or painful experiences are a hammer and we carry them around in a bag all day long.  We get in a circle with any group of people and drop all of our hammers in the middle.  Then we get to go to that big pile of hammers and pick out any ones we want.  We would all still choose our same old hammers.

I got lonely today.  I got sad about it.  I cried.  But what I love about getting older is that I knew as I was crying that this would only last a little while and that I would feel better really soon.  I also thought of all my blessings as I cried and I felt immense gratitude for them.

Loneliness has been a recurring theme in my life.  But so has joy and happiness, success, friendship and love.  I am learning to accept the bad.  And I love it.  We just don’t escape this life without feeling something.  This isn’t a playground.  This is a classroom.  I consider myself a good student.

A friend told me today that I made the decision to be happy and I’ve done well with it.  She also reminded me that I made a choice to forgive the hardest thing I’ve had to forgive.  So now I feel like I can do anything with my life.

Coming out on the other side of hardship builds strength and resilience. Even just coming out on the other side of a bad day or a good cry does, too.  We’re always alone and we’re never alone.  It’s all in our perception…the kind of day we’re having.  Each day is different.  Each bag of hammers is different.  But we all learn what we need to learn in our own way.

You Can Run

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you’ll discover will be wonderful.  What you’ll discover is yourself.  – Alan Alda

All men should strive
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
- James Thurber

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.  – Jean de La Fontaine

A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.  – George Moore

I heard a yoga teacher say once that you shouldn’t try to open up too fast.  She said that it would do more harm than good and that it should happen gradually so your body has time to adjust.  I thought I was living my life that way…taking my time and learning things slowly…when I was ready for the lesson.  But lately my mind has been bombarded with this awareness about mistakes I’ve made and why I’ve done the things I’ve done.  I think big life changes bring on big realizations.

My latest one is about running away from my problems.  I can track this one down pretty easily.  There are two things to do when there’s a problem: fight or flight.  For the majority of my life, I have taken flight.  When I was a little girl and my parents were mad at me for something, I would take off out the door faster than a bullet.  There were several places I would go.  Either to my special hiding place outside, to my grandparents house who lived close by, or I would show up at a friend’s house and just pretend I wanted to play.  I would wait until I thought they had cooled down to come back home and face my consequences.

As I got older and began to develop relationships with boys, I would even take off running if I didn’t like the way that was going…and I mean I would literally run away.  I’m sure there are quite a few boys out there who think I am crazy.

When my youngest son was three, I was trying to change a tire and the car fell off the jack as I walked away.  When I looked around and couldn’t find him, I  thought he was by the car and that it had fallen on him.  So what did I do?  Of course, I took off running in the opposite direction as fast as I could possibly go.  I can’t explain it.  I wish I could.

I’ve done this in slower paced ways, as well.  I remember being so ready to get out of my hometown when I graduated high school.  All I could think about was starting this new life somewhere else with brand new people.  It was great, but I was still the same and I was still running.  So over the course of the past 20 years or so, I have moved to different towns and cities, I’ve lived in so many dwellings that I think I’ve lost count and I’ve never worked at the same place for more than three years at a time.

Now I find myself back where I started, still searching for whatever it is that I think I want and need.  As things start to change and I hear that voice in my head saying “Take off! Get the hell outta here!”, I’m trying my very hardest not to listen.  What I am looking for is not in some other town, or some other neighborhood or some other house.  What I am looking for is right here, wherever I am.  All the time.  I’m just taking my own sweet time finding out exactly what that is.