A business that makes nothing but money is a poor kind of business. – Henry Ford

I spend my days teaching Yoga and Pilates.  There is nothing else I would rather be doing and I am sincerely passionate about it.  They have both changed my life and I want to be a part of changing someone else’s, one class at a time.

I am the luckiest person in the world because I do what I love, what I believe in and I know I’m good at it.

I had this epiphany one day in a Yoga class that I should bring this studio to my small, hometown because I was afraid there were people there who needed it and might not get it if I didn’t come.  No one was more amazed than me that I actually made that happen.

So here I sit owning a studio in my hometown: a dream come true.

But for a while I got lost in all the “business” stuff.  People kept telling me it’s a business and I have to make all these decisions based on numbers and marketing.  I became so worried that I was missing opportunities for exposure and accolades in the name of the business that I forgot why I even wanted to create this space in the first place.

If I had raised money for a cause through the studio, I needed to call the newspaper and see if they would write an article about it.  I wanted to share stories of things about me in sutras that I thought might help others, but I became too afraid of making myself look bad.  I was losing all the things that I had gained and learned from my Yoga practice.  Business isn’t humble or Yogic, but I would like to be.

Today I became free again and it’s such a relief.  I became free because I’m no longer feeling like a business and I’m back to feeling like a person and a teacher.  I have let people down and opened myself up to criticism, and now that it feels like expectations are low, I can finally be myself again.

I’m going to send donations with no hoopla whatsoever.  I’m going to share whatever I want to in classes in the hopes that my existence can make someone’s better. I’m going to do what I’m good at and not apologize for what I’m not good at. I’ve never wanted to be successful, I’ve only wanted to be helpful.  My intentions are pure and good and this business of business is not.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. -Marilyn Monroe

Yesterday I got to hang out with three very important people from my past life.  It was an interesting day because I didn’t see them all together, but they were all from the same era of my life.

As our conversations went on and we caught up on what we’ve missed with each other and asked about all the people we knew, the phrase “life is messy” kept coming up again and again.  We even said that if someone would have told us twenty years ago all the things that would unravel in everyone’s lives, we would have said “No friggin way!”.

But as interesting as the stories of all these crazy events were, I found myself more fascinated about the different ways everyone put their pieces back together.  Some found religion, some self-medicate, some are successful in their careers, some are divorced, some never married, some push people away, some are homeless, some went to prison, some found Yoga and some send gorgeous Christmas cards every year to make us all believe they are living the American dream.

As I drove home last night, I had a sense of sadness that life can be so hard and at any moment the whole thing can fall apart.  But as I woke up this morning, I felt this sense of pride in myself and happiness for all of us who don’t give up and search for positive ways to sustain.

Life is uncertain and messy and the only thing we can control about it is how we respond.  You can clean out your closet and leave everything lying on the floor reminding you each day of your mess, or you can get rid of the things you don’t need and put the things you love back in, all organized and pretty.  If we keep the door shut, it will never get dirty again, but then we wouldn’t get to sport all our hats and stroll around in all our favorite shoes.

Be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. -William James

Things that hurt, instruct. – Benjamin Franklin

Today’s date is significant to me.  There were many years that this date brought me sadness.  Without analyzing how I would feel, I woke up this morning, remembered the date and decided to feel thankfulness instead. So I woke up my oldest son (who was in my bed from last night’s bad dream) and told him that I love him and blew on his belly like I did when he was little.  He laughed.  Then I woke up my youngest son and kissed his face and told him that he is kind and smart and wonderful and that I love him, too.  He smiled.  We were starting out this day just right.

After I dropped them off at school, I thought about why I feel so happy today.  I love my boys and I love my life.  But I would not have the same type of appreciation for any of it if it were not for those days when I hated my life, those times that I thought God had it out for me and  I could not catch a break.

Looking back, my biggest problem was that I could not accept things I could not change.  Today I can.

A friend commented recently on how good I am at moving on.  Fortunately and unfortunately, I have never felt like I had a choice and if given different resources, I may not have picked up the pieces when life fell apart.  But even though someone moves on with the living, their mind can take them to other places.  Places in the past or places in some imaginary world somewhere.  I was one of those people.

Today I see powerful evidence that I am living in the present.  I give most of the credit to Yoga and Meditation and for just showing up on my mat or my pillow.  I have learned that my mind doesn’t control me anymore and if thoughts creep in that have no place in my present world, then I can simply push them away and come back to the gift of this moment.

This way of living and thinking has brought me more peace than I ever dreamed possible.  Peace does not come from perfect circumstances, it comes from feeling each breath, seeing everything before you and accepting who and where you are with a heart that is open to endless possibilities.

“As for an authentic villain, the real thing, the absolute, the artist, one rarely meets him even once in a lifetime.  The ordinary bad hat is always in part a decent fellow.” – Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

Being authentic is hard.  First of all, we learn as children that some things are only appropriate in front of certain people or in certain places.  This tells us that it is somehow not okay to be yourself all of the time.  I feel like my mantra to my kids has become “that is not appropriate!” and they are probably very confused by it.

Secondly, sometimes our authentic qualities aren’t ones that we are proud of or like about ourselves, so it is natural to want to hide those away as often as we can.  This creates a type of denial.  We don’t want to accept that we are not this certain form of perfection that we think we are.  Sometimes we are mean and nasty and ugly and we would rather not let anyone else know that.

There are just a few friends in my world who will tell me, lovingly, that I am being negative or feeling sorry for myself.  My knee-jerk reaction is to get angry when this happens, but after I chew on it for a while, I see that they are right.  I hate that!  I don’t want to be negative, ever!  I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, ever!  And to be honest, those are both characteristics that I dislike the most in other people.

But that’s the thing about authenticity.  It’s about being whole and nothing is all good and nothing is all bad.  We all have our dark and our light.  Our yin and our yang.  And only reality TV stars need to show the whole world both of those sides.  There is a time and a place.

What I find myself trying to do more of in my quest to be real is admitting and acknowledging that I have bad qualities and they are just as much a part of who I am as the good ones.  In fact, they may even allow the people I show them to more freedom to be themselves with me.  And that might be what they mean about making lemonade out of lemons.

“There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same.” – Chinese Proverb

I teach many types of people who come to Yoga and Pilates for many different reasons.  Some tell me they are there to become more flexible, some want more strength.  Some are recovering from something and some have just been pretty sedentary.  Some need some stress relief and some have been told by their doctor that they need to be there.   Some want a kick ass workout and some want gentle stretching.  And some just want a body like Jennifer Aniston.

I’m just glad they got there.

I came to yoga because I was trying to be nice to my body for a change.  For most of my life, I wasn’t concerned with whether or not something was good for me.  If it gave me the outcome I was looking for, it didn’t matter.  Then one day I started to feel pretty badly, in my body and in my soul.  I started getting sick and hurt every time I turned around.  It took some time, but  I came realize that there was a good chance I was making myself sick and hurt.

So yoga became my magic pill.  For a time.  Then life caught up with me and I had to take responsibility for myself.  That’s when yoga and meditation became my toolbox instead of my meds.

I’m just glad I got there.

Yoga has become the place where I see a common thread between me and every other person I meet.  It has helped me see that we all feel the same things and we all put up the same defenses.  We all love the same way and our hearts all break the same way.  We’re all right sometimes and we’re all wrong sometimes.  We all say and do things that hurt others and we all get hurt.  We’re all looking for the same things down many different paths.

Most of us take a look around and wonder how we ended up on the path we are on.  I know I do.  But I wouldn’t want to hike up any other trail.  I like taking chances and throwing my heart out there, even if someone stomps across it while strolling down their path.  I’m finding more peace and contentment with every step and every day spent on my mat.

“In three words I can sum up what I know about life:  It goes on.” – Robert Frost

I had never been a big news watcher.  My father was always the current events expert and if I wanted to know about anything, I could just ask him.  But now I was a  stay at home mother of an infant and I had a lot more time to get the news myself.

I found out about anthrax and became nervous every time I went to the mailbox.  I learned about the West Nile Virus and spent a sleepless night on the internet investigating the symptoms after my son got a mosquito bite.  I found out more about missing children and school shootings and people carrying weapons on airplanes.  I was wondering what kind of world I had brought my beautiful baby into and my anxiety levels were at an all time high.

I was teaching Pilates and practicing yoga, but it didn’t seem like enough to control my stress at that time.  It wasn’t until my second son was born that I discovered how much peace yoga could offer me.  I found a studio near his preschool, so I would drop him off and eagerly head to class.  The teachers there would start the class with meditations about finding the peace inside of you, accepting yourself and your life and trying to live your yoga off your mat.  One morning, my teacher read an excerpt from a book titled Happy Yoga: 7 Reasons Why There’s Nothing to Worry About by Steve Ross.  It said that you don’t need to watch or listen to or study the news.  It said that if we would stop watching the news and protect ourselves completely from current events and come back to them many years later, the stories would be exactly the same.  The names and the details might differ, but there really is nothing new under the sun.  He was giving us all permission to stop inundating our minds with sad, scary news.  This was such a revelation to me!

It was then that I stopped watching the news channels and I stopped engaging with people in talks about how everything we do puts us in danger of crimes or diseases.  I learned how yoga and meditation are tools to control anxiety and stress and all I have to do is pull them out to see how good life and love are.

Many sad, worried and stressed out people walk into my yoga studio.  I want to help them open their hips and spines and shoulders and I want to help them become stronger and more balanced.  But mostly, I want to pass down these tools to them in hopes that they, too, can find equanimity, stillness and harmony inside themselves, regardless of the what is going on around them.

“The only Zen you find on tops of mountains is the Zen you bring there.” – Robert M. Pirsig

I use to worry much more than I do now.  Someone even told me once that worrying is hereditary and if you have the right genes for it, you’re screwed.  But I refuse to believe that and life has found subtle and obvious ways to prove me right.

All the things I’ve ever worried about have never happened.  Yay!

All the  things that I would have never in a million years imagined happening have. Boo!

So there ya go.  There is absolutely no reason to worry because I have no idea whatsoever what will happen, bad or good, so worrying will not give me any type of preparation anyway.

The way to live a present and peaceful life is to grasp the understanding that life is unpredictable and just about anything can happen.  But in accepting that, also know that you are given what you need and none of us escape this life without turmoil and heartbreak.

For everything we gain, there is something we had to lose.  If the winter didn’t kill the spring, we wouldn’t get to enjoy all the beauty that sprouts up again, reminding us that life is beautiful.  If the ground never got a little shaky under your feet, you wouldn’t hold the ones you love quite as tightly.

Worrying a little means we care.  But worrying too much means we don’t believe we have what we need to handle our own lives.  And that just isn’t true.  Zen only comes from within.

“She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important—you know ” – Marilyn Monroe

Today is my every other Sunday.  Every other Friday night and every other Saturday don’t seem to bother me as much anymore.  I’ve learned to keep myself busy with work and friends on those days.  But that every other Sunday thing gets me every time.  Sunday is family day and when the other members of your family are required by a legally binding contract to spend it with their father, there’s not much you can do about that.

I try to make the most of the time that I have by getting things done.  This is helpful and I can hear all those married moms right now going “I wish I had every other Sunday to be alone and do anything I want to do!”  It’s just not the same when it’s not a choice and when you miss your children.

So as not to be a complete Negative Nellie, I’ve been trying my darnedest to come up with positive points about being a divorced mother who shares her kids.  Here are the top ten things that are good about every other Sunday:

1.  I am forced to meet life head on.  There aren’t many distractions on Sundays so I can spend some time inside my head and figure things out calmly that stress me out during the week.

2.  I am reminded of what it feels like to be just me.  The me I was before I became someone’s wife and mother.  And maybe the me that I’m growing into by being forced to grow up more than I ever wished.

3.  I am learning how to relax without meditation or savasana.  I can relax in my practice, but I had forgotten how to do nothing without structure.  I’m getting much better at laziness!

4.  I get the joy of being the one the boys miss.  As a stay at home mom, I was always there and when their dad would get home from work or a trip, he would get the super greeting and those precious looks on their faces that said they were so happy he was home.   I always wondered how that would feel, and every other Sunday night I get to find out.

5.  I am more compassionate to their father because I am reminded that he has to feel like this every Monday through Friday as well as every other Sunday.

6.  I am coming to terms with my fear of loneliness and I may even be conquering it.

7.  I find myself closer to God every other Sunday, whether I go to church or not.  It’s just me and the Big Guy spending a little one on one time together.

8.  I can spend more quality time with the boys when they are with me because I can use EOS to do things that would pull me away, like laundry and bills.

9.  I get to trust the universe.  I was a control freak when it came to my kids and now I can’t be as much anymore.  I have to trust that their dad and God are taking care of them and that everything is going to be okay.

10.  I get to treasure all the other every other Sundays even more because I’m so grateful for that special time as a family.

It takes a lot of squeezing, but I will keep trying to make lemonade every other Sunday.

.

If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it.  -Toni Morrison

In yoga there are active postures where you have to engage and energize the body to get deeper and there are surrendering postures where you must let go and relax the body to get deeper.  When I’m in pigeon pose I will grip my lower body to keep my thigh from relaxing to the floor on those days that I feel tight in the hips.  If I take deep breaths and send the relaxed energy of my exhales to the hip, I find that I let go and find a deeper expression of the posture.  If I continue to tighten the muscles around my hip, I stay exactly where I am no matter how long I hold it. I don’t feel as much sensation, but I don’t get anywhere either.  In surrendering postures, I must get out of my way to go anywhere.

When I’m afraid of something that I think I want, I have a way of doing the same thing.  Instead of gripping my muscles, I make excuses, feel sorry for myself and develop a fear of feeling or experiencing something new.  Experience can do that to a person.  We know that new things in our lives can lead to good and bad at the very same time, so we sacrifice the good stuff to avoid the bad parts.  Life is scary and we learn that we only think we want certain things.  I can remember my mom’s mantra to me as I was growing up, “Be careful what you wish for”.  So I am.

But the heart wants what the heart wants and to live my life to the fullest  (which is what I’m here for, after all)  I have to surrender.  I have to get the heck out of my way and go for the things I hope for.  I know there will be a price.  But I have an abundance of everything, so I can afford to spend a little of what I have to get the things I still want.

I want to grow and change and become.  I don’t want to stand still in the middle of the world as everything passes quickly by.  Faith is a way of getting out of your own way.  Believing that things will be fine and then letting go of your fear and cynicism.  So I must surrender, have faith, move over, relax, open up and let my abundance flow.

The space between what’s right and wrong is where you’ll find me hiding, waiting for you.  The space between your heart and mine is the space we’ll fill with time. – Dave Matthews

Desire is just as important as fulfillment.  Ideas are just as valuable as accomplishments.  Patience is just as essential as productivity.

The spaces between successes are not glamorous or exciting.  They are hard and can be filled with anxiety and angst, frustration and sadness.  But those spaces are where life truly exists.  It is the place where we find our hearts and our souls and what our lives are honestly about.  I read somewhere that the meaning of life sits in the space between our thoughts.  The only times I’ve ever been able to find that chasm between my thoughts has been while I was meditating.  When I go there, I’m filled with a rushing feeling that everything is going to be okay and that everything in the world is just as it should be.  It’s a place where worry doesn’t exist and the past means nothing.

I know far too many people who keep themselves busy at any cost.  If they see an opportunity for an empty day or hour or minute, they search madly for a way to fill it.  I, too, have done the same thing.  But the years of my life are teaching me that staying busy isn’t the same as living.  Finding stillness is not wasted time.  It’s the only point where you can find out who you really are.

I believe that we as people spend way too much time looking forward to or hoping for the next thing.  We want to find someone to fall in love with, we want to get married, we want to have babies, buy houses, get new jobs, go see new places.  All the while we’re wanting, life is going on right under our noses.  We’re laughing, crying, smiling, frowning, overwhelmed, bored, afraid, loved, wanted, needed, accepted and rejected.  Without any of those things, life would lose meaning.  Happiness would lose its value.

Sometimes I’m a lot of fun and other times I’m a complete downer.  Sometimes I’m smart and sometimes I’m a total airhead.  Sometimes I’m sweet and loving and at times I’m a real wench.  But none of that matters when I’m still.  You can only hear when you listen.  I feel peace when I’m not afraid of what I’ll find in my empty spaces.