Hangin’ out

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“If you want to find God, hang out in the space between your thoughts.” Alan Cohen

When I was 19, I hurt my back pretty badly. I was a dance major and just about all I did was dance. When the prospect of never being able to pursue a career in dance presented itself, I was overwhelmed and scared. When I woke up one morning and couldn’t get out of the bed, I called Gerda, my modern dance teacher, to tell her I couldn’t make it to class. Crying hysterically, she could hardly understand me. The only thing I remember about that morning was this:

Gerda, “Can you meditate?”

Me, “I don’t know how?”

Gerda, “Just close your eyes and try to relax. Don’t think. Just be.”

Me, “I can’t!”

Looking back, if I would’ve tried to meditate that morning, my journey through the back thing could’ve been a lot easier. I couldn’t get control of my mind. It was racing around like a monkey and I was just going along for the bumpy ride.

The back thing sucked, but there were many more (much worse) struggles to come. And each time, I did the freak-out dance in my head. I’ve always prayed. But my prayers during hard times were so desperate and intentional. I would negotiate, beg, apologize.

What meditation has taught me is that it’s okay to be with me. I can sit quietly and calmly with no apologies about who I am or what I’ve done. I can feel what it feels like to be inside of this body, and know that I am so much more than just this body. I know that for the rest of my days, I will have this awesome gift to give myself whenever I want it. I feel so much closer to God than I ever did before. I am convinced there is peace…everywhere in everything. We have to tap into it ourselves to find it. No one else can give that to us.

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One thought on “Hangin’ out

  1. You have motivated me to meditate more. I used to do it daily for 30 minutes, but since the twins have been born it is much tougher finding the quiet time. It’s times like these when its even more necessary, though. I need dust off the old zafu!

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