You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is yourself. – Alan Alda
All men should strive
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
– James Thurber
A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. – Jean de La Fontaine
A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it. – George Moore
I heard a yoga teacher say once that you shouldn’t try to open up too fast. She said that it would do more harm than good and that it should happen gradually so your body has time to adjust. I thought I was living my life that way…taking my time and learning things slowly…when I was ready for the lesson. But lately my mind has been bombarded with this awareness about mistakes I’ve made and why I’ve done the things I’ve done. I think big life changes bring on big realizations.
My latest one is about running away from my problems. I can track this one down pretty easily. There are two things to do when there’s a problem: fight or flight. For the majority of my life, I have taken flight. When I was a little girl and my parents were mad at me for something, I would take off out the door faster than a bullet. There were several places I would go. Either to my special hiding place outside, to my grandparents house who lived close by, or I would show up at a friend’s house and just pretend I wanted to play. I would wait until I thought they had cooled down to come back home and face my consequences.
As I got older and began to develop relationships with boys, I would even take off running if I didn’t like the way that was going…and I mean I would literally run away. I’m sure there are quite a few boys out there who think I am crazy.
When my youngest son was three, I was trying to change a tire and the car fell off the jack as I walked away. When I looked around and couldn’t find him, I thought he was by the car and that it had fallen on him. So what did I do? Of course, I took off running in the opposite direction as fast as I could possibly go. I can’t explain it. I wish I could.
I’ve done this in slower paced ways, as well. I remember being so ready to get out of my hometown when I graduated high school. All I could think about was starting this new life somewhere else with brand new people. It was great, but I was still the same and I was still running. So over the course of the past 20 years or so, I have moved to different towns and cities, I’ve lived in so many dwellings that I think I’ve lost count and I’ve never worked at the same place for more than three years at a time.
Now I find myself back where I started, still searching for whatever it is that I think I want and need. As things start to change and I hear that voice in my head saying “Take off! Get the hell outta here!”, I’m trying my very hardest not to listen. What I am looking for is not in some other town, or some other neighborhood or some other house. What I am looking for is right here, wherever I am. All the time. I’m just taking my own sweet time finding out exactly what that is.