The problem here is that the truth will always be the truth, no matter how hard I work. As a very young child, I became good at hiding the truth. Sometimes it was to get away with things that I shouldn’t have done and sometimes it was to hide where I came from and who I was. I fancied myself quite good at this hiding game, so I continued to do it, almost unconsciously, throughout my life.
While this skill protected me from punishment and ridicule, it gave me a false sense of power that I could make my ideas my reality. I became less aware of the writing on the wall and more concerned with how I could deny it. My slogan became “I’m always okay” and that was not the truth. I anchored myself to the belief that I was someone who was always happy and who accepted my position without opposition. Even when things in my life were crumbling around me, I acted as if I was A-Okay.
There is no truth without awareness. My yoga mat has become my tiny little fountain of knowledge. It is there that I dedicate my practice to aparigraha, or non-attachment, as a piece of the Eight-Limbed Path of Yoga. As I study, without judgement, all the things my body can, might and will never do, I begin to accept. This acceptance of all that I truly am follows me off my mat and gives me peace.
As I become a more open and honest person with strangers and friends alike, I begin to accept reality. I let go of the notion that I had an easy childhood. I acknowledged the fact that losing the person I was most close to at a young age will have a lasting effect on all my present and future relationships. I conceded that my marriage was unsalvageable. I became aware that I needed help and advice in business before me and my yoga studio fell on our faces.
A few month ago, I felt helpless and hopeless as I sat in my car looking down at my studio from the street. In one of those epiphany-esque moments, I realized that I am not that place. That place and it’s successes and failures are not my truth. I was hit with a sudden relief in feeling completely unattached to my job, my home and my life.
Since that day, I have felt lighter and freer and even more hopeful that I will experience more in this life by letting go. I can enjoy my wishes, dreams and goals more with a sense that life is supporting me and creating beauty that I may not have even been able to imagine.