February has been a tough month for me for a very long time. I promise I’m not referring to the single person’s Valentine’s Day frustration. It’s almost like my own personal New Year when the universe sends things my way to make me choose a side in a fork in the road. But this year, February has presented me with a huge, steel stop sign.
Since last February, I have read The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, A Course in Miracles by Dr. Helen Schucman, The Daring Way by Brene Brown, Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw, among other self-discovery books. I have completed my third year of therapy along with an eight week group therapy course. I have accepted the label of codependency and all the ugly, obvious and subtle behaviors and thoughts that earned me that title. I have meditated every morning, asking my heart what it desires that day and I have gone through a gratitude list each night before my prayers. I have worn and burned oils that are suppose to make me happy, peaceful and lovable. I have journaled and I have drawn. I have gotten on my yoga mat either in a class or alone and set intentions for an open heart, self love, acceptance and letting go. I have been vulnerable and honest with my friends about my struggles and my loneliness and I have learned that shame grows in silence. I have felt the space between this world and the next as I watched my beloved aunt die in front of me before kissing her goodbye. I have forgiven in my heart and via text, email and Facebook message and I have received forgiveness those same ways. I have had my energy cleared and my ghosts removed. I’ve gone on dates with several people and had the closest thing to resemble a real relationship that I’ve had since I divorced almost 6 years ago. I even told my kids that I actually do date. (Now I wasn’t so bold as to introduce them to a real, live man yet, but it felt like progress!)
If all of that sounds exhausting, it should. It was. It made me a thousand times more aware of how blessed I am to have the amazing friends and family that I do. I have grown closer to my sister and to the friends who truly love me. I prayed for true love and definitely found it in places I wasn’t expecting. I have felt more happiness than sadness and more hope than hopelessness. But a few weeks ago when that short but significant relationship ended, I hit a wall. If I didn’t have it figured out after all of that, either I am unfixable or there is nothing left to fix. So I stopped.
I stopped reading the books. I took a break from the heart meditation. I stopped analyzing what I have done right and what I have done wrong. I stopped caring what anyone else thought about me or my journey. I lightened up. I stopped wondering if I was understood or justified. I stopped making the past such a big part of my present. I stopped thinking I could control the outcome of my life. I stopped resisting.
The other day a dear friend came into the studio and told me that God had sent her something to tell me. She said He told her to tell me to “be still”. And there it was. The universe has spoken and I have heard it loud and clear. God wanted to make sure I knew that I have chosen the right direction at the fork and now it’s time to rest and take a break from my travels. In my stillness, there’s a new calm inside of me that just might be the love I’ve been missing: the love that is possible to feel for myself.