AND SO IT GOES

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“In every heart there is room, a sanctuary safe and strong, to heal the wounds of lovers past until a new one comes along.” – Billy Joel

I’ve heard it said that for any question you have, you can choose a book, open it up, put your finger down and your answer will be looking at you. I have tried it once or twice and I can’t say I’ve proven that theory.

What I have found that works for me is driving in my car, picking a station and landing on a song for my answers. I always feel like God is choosing the music for me when I’ve asked Him for guidance.

Lately I feel like God is working on me pretty hard. And He is not making this easy for me or anyone else in my life! So today I took a drive and touched a few random stations on Pandora to see what would come up. I should add that I never purposely pick a station of an artist that I know has personal meaning to me because I don’t want to cheat by trying to control the answer.

Here’s what showed up in my ears, in chronological order:

Under the Bridge by The Red Hot Chili Peppers was first. That is mine and Jason Sullivan’s song. He was my love that passed away in a hiking accident when we were young and planning the rest of our lives together. I always think he asks God to send me that one from time to time to remind me that he’s still out there and I’m not all alone. Tomorrow is our anniversary, so I totally got it.

A few songs later was Fire and Rain by James Taylor. This one gets to me every time because me and James have something in common. He lost his fiance in a plane crash and wrote this song about her. I know exactly how he must have felt writing this song. It reminds me that we are one in this world. As separate as I can sometimes feel, this song says that we all hurt and it’s a part of God’s plan in this world that we are not meant to understand.

The very next song was Let it Be by the Beatles. About a year after Jason died I was teaching dance at a performing arts school and choreographed a piece to this song. It helped me remember that there are broken hearted people walking amongst us everywhere we go and that God wants us to trust Him as we walk this earth. I say “let it be” to myself a lot when I feel helpless. It does help. Mother Mary herself might be comforting me.

As I was pulling into my neighborhood, And So It Goes by Billy Joel came on. I can’t recall the first time I heard this song, but I do remember that I was blown away by the lyrics and realized that we might have to give our hearts to someone to break again and again before our time here is done. I thought it was terrifying and beautiful. Just like life. I sat in my garage and cried a little to finish listening to this one.

These songs are puzzle pieces that I’ll have to put together. God doesn’t like to give it all away to me. He’s tricky that way. I guess He thinks I must be pretty smart and can figure it out. I called Jason’s mother and told her that I am messed up and damaged this week. She told me that isn’t true. She told me that I am sensitive and intuitive. She might be right.  I can’t lose sight of that no matter how many times my heart breaks, because those little cracks in my heart are how the light gets in.

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