I am always working on something. I think I was born this way, but yoga has definitely brought living an intentional life out in me. My ex-husband never knew this, but when we were married I would wake up every morning and make this declaration to myself that I was going to make our marriage better that day, as if it was all up to me. I tried about every way I could think of, and by the time night came, I felt deflated and just wanted to sleep into a reset and try again tomorrow.
What I have discovered mostly since my divorce is that I do need to focus on the things of my heart so I am directed and led, but that I have to be willing to let go when it’s time to let go. Holding on too long to a person, thing or idea has only caused me more self-induced pain than I ever needed to feel.
During my first therapy session after my divorce, I was asked what my relationship with myself was like. After an uncomfortably long pause, I finally answered “inconsistent”. And a truer word was never spoken from my mouth. I attribute lots of my inconsistency to my childhood environment, but I also believe it comes from my empathetic nature. I put myself inside every story I hear and every person’s eyes I see so it’s very easy for me to change my mind about how I feel about the world around me and what’s inside of me.
The fun part is looking back on my life and seeing how I have managed and actually liking what I see. For instance, I am a registered Independent but I know what I believe in, I’m not a sorority girl but I have lots of amazing friends, I have absolutely no “type” when it comes to men which has been an adventure, and I have had every kind of job you can think of from bank teller to hotel housekeeper to school teacher to bra model and everything in between. After a disappointment, I can either sit by the fireplace, pray, meditate and create a vision board for a brighter future before crawling into bed or I can get dressed up, go out and be a little too loud, drink a little too much and stay out a little too late.
Either way, it’s self-care and self-love and I have innately always known that that’s what I need. And what I’ve discovered through my coping tactics is that my weakness, inconsistency, is actually also my strength. I always get up, dust myself off and make a plan. When I try something on that doesn’t feel like it fits, I unpack and try again. I love Jesus and I cuss too much. I eat healthy and I eat crap sometimes. I am responsible and I’m rebellious. I’m scared of water and dogs but I love hiking high and riding horses. I can speak or dance or teach in front of hundreds, but I get nervous going into a party. I am kind and loving and I can blow up and unleash a beast on someone when a wound gets touched too deeply. I have had a life of loss and disappointment, and I have had a more glorious and amazing life than I could have ever imagined. I’m hard to understand, even to me sometimes, so I’m grateful that I have found tools, like yoga and meditation, to bring me closer to myself and especially closer to God, who loves every inconsistent inch of me.